girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
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My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
THIS HEADLINE
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now