How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this