I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
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1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
seems like a niche market
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).