When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
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Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”