JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
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If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
the rocks need my help
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.