[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
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Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!