how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
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Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen