How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
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I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.