I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
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Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
The happy life.. 😊
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
he chose this
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
God, I love Scotland
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet