Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
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My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
who did the taste test?
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt