The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
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tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
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wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.