My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
You Might Also Like
Solving a traffic jam
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this