I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
You Might Also Like
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
What my back needs
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.