You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
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5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
dads on road-trips be like
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
they really do be looking like this
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.