Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
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I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas