My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
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Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
We’ve all been there…
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.