inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
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me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Shower sex be like:
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot