That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
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INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*