Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
You Might Also Like
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this