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i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
My hips? Compulsive liars.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born