Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
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Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I’m giving up for Lent.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away