WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
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interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Y’all ready for this