My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
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man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Finally!
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Cheers Twitter.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
no one ever comes back
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”