When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
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my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
These work great until they don’t.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone