All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
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Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff