Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
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*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
ACED my prostate exam!
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Noah