I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
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“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I am also baked goods
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating