I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
You Might Also Like
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Okay me first
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.