my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
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INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.