“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
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satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.