“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
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never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.