Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
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My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Attacked by a mop.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
welcome back
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.