One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
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Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.