Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
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Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.