me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
You Might Also Like
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
“Great, now I have to pee.”
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]