Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
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Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?