Has science gone too far?
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My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join