The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
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came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
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My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.