Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
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I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture