It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
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Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
PARKOUR
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.