I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
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I unironically love this joke.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
*sewing*
A thread
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun