If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
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I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.