I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
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[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*