DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
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I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.