Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
You Might Also Like
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.