didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
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my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Never forget.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]