Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
You Might Also Like
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.