Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
You Might Also Like
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.