Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
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Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF