Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.